notes from Africa, chapter 10

As Alice Cooper so eloquently put it, "school's out for summer, school's out forever."

Yesterday was my last day of teaching. It defenitely was not a normal day: I taught (actually I taught a super short lesson, brought in my video camera and we had 'fun with video') in the morning, recieved a few valentines from a few choice african girls, and then we had a staff meeting over lunch. The staff meeting felt more like a pow-wow; each teacher, moving in counter clockwise arournd the circle of desks, took some time to a say few words about Timm and I, Timm and I spoke for a little while about our experiences at the school, and then we spoke of ways to improve the school in the future. It was a sad and wonderful. It was wonderful because it was a real ending. I love when things in my life have resolution, as opposed to just fading away. I fear things just fading, or as I spoke of in an earlier blog, just falling apart.

I had a similar, much more emotional experience at my last church service this past Sunday. I spoke for a while, Timm said a few words, about ten people from the came up and said some things.... And, then, in the middle of this extremely bitter-sweet moment one of the pastors of the the church, that Timm and I do not really even know, gets up and proceeds to explain how we must share a table with him like Christ shared a table with his disciple's (which translates to having a fanta), all-the-while forgetting our names and telling us that when we get back to London(?) we need to look up a billionare for him so his church can be as big as some other church he mentioned. It was so stupid, but pretty much on par with the way I have experienced Africa. Irony and the temptation to think that my life is a joke constantly tries to sneak into my life, convincing me that my life is inconsequential in a Nihilism sort of way; but I have learned that Irony has not the ability to corrupt that it which is most sacred to me.

I want so badly to share more with you now. I want to tell you have my struggles with confessing all that I have experienced to myself ,and moreover confessing how I have dealt with what I have seen. Each day I seem to change my approach to so much. Once again, the 'radical' nature of the Gospel is challenging my course of action here: how I deal with people, institutions, the best way to help... A couple nights ago I think I believed in God particpating in my life; that is to say, I felt the wieght of him. It was odd, and mostly scary. It was like just for a few moments I actually believed so strongly that what I do this life, my actions/thoughts, Matter. It was not like I was scared because I thought something was going to happen to me or anything, I just felt exposed and confronted and I saw how insincere I am with so much of my life. I want so badly to scurry in the shadows, being in the light is wierd - I am obviously not used to it. I am learning the importance of living a confessional life. Confession is probably my least favirote thing (out of all that is difficult and progressive in the Christian life), however it is, I think, the most freeing. I have been trying to avoid confession for so long, and will continue, (it helps that my tradition as I have experienced it leaves little to no room for it) but I am learning how "awe-filled" (if that works) it can be. It feels like it is something that actually changes something in your meaningful self, and you can see direct results in how you live.

Okay, I honestly need to go. I am late. I am leaving in like an hour to try and snag a hooptie van up to mt. Kenya, and I still have a ton to do. I don't know when the next time I will be able to get the internet will be, it will be at least a week.

I am giddy-excited to get up on the mountain and feel a little more at home.

I am grateful beyond what I can write on this blog for your comments, challenging encouragement, for being a part of this journey.
As things transition now into the unknown I would like to leave you with a poem. It simply conveys how I feel this blog has functioned within the dynamic relationship I am blessed with those reading.

I love you.

Scaffolding: Seamus Heaney

Masons, when they start upon a building,
Are careful to test out the scaffolding;

Make sure that planks won't slip at busy points,
Secure all ladders, tighten bolten joints.

And yet all this comes down when the job is done,
Showing off walls of sure and solid stone.

So if, my dear, there seems to be
Old bridges breaking between you and me,

Never fear. We may let the scaffolds fall,
Confident that we may have built our wall.

P.S. I will, without question, respond to the comments currently back logged. I am a bit ashamed, but time has been ever-illusive lately.

a short note on stuff.

"frick". As they say.
I just read Timm's blog, his ch. 11 post, It was inspriring.

Last night I sat in my box reflecting on the day, and thinking to myself that I would be more than happy to stay here and teach through the end of the year; totally content. The more time I spend in a settled lifestyle here the more connections get made; and the more I learn the more I think of ideas to help. Some things are in motion right now that I am excited about: teaching, setting up a book drive, making new friends, starting to have meaningfull relationships with students and teachers, playing with kids, supporting CHONESUS, .... I don't know... I guess... yesterday, maybe for the first time, I thought that Timm and I were actually making a difference, and it was the most motivating, humbling thing in the world. Today, however, is different. Today I feel like my time here is coming to a screeching end. In all reality I only have a little over a week left in the classroom. Its depressing; it irk's me to just say: the hell with it I am leaving anyway. And that freaks me out, because immediately I revolt against that, that settling into stupid complacency. I want to continue on, working hard, I want to be present in the moment. Please pray that the love that I have been learning about; the love that has been motivating me, would not be crushed under the wieght of the future. I want to be excited about now, fighting to help now. I miss everyone a ton. As cool as this blog thing is I yearn for face to face interaction.
I want this:



but...I feel more like this:



much love. I will hit ya guys back with responses from the last blog the next chance I get.