notes from Africa, chapter 9.

Things have been relatively quiet since my last entry. I have spent a great deal of time reading and reflecting. It seems time is moving at a snails pace these days. Usually, I would love that I thought time was moving slow – I am continually in awe of how things in my life that I never think will end, end. However, this time is different. My time has been slow because my normally very complex lifestyle has been reduced to a decently constant routine. It is not completely constant, but, for me, it seems dramatic. If my life, seen in molecular terms, is usually: C6H3Cl2NO2 1,2-DICHLORO-4-NITROBENZENE, this past couple weeks have been reduced to a simple H – Hydrogen. I have been teaching, preparing for teaching, reading, writing, and being in my little box before dark each night.
DAYTIME:
Teaching is phenomenal. I especially like my form 3 students; they ask the best questions. The more I continue to teach the more I appreciate the students’ concept of learning. They understand that it is their only hope for doing well in life, and therefore have no intentions of slacking. Friday, a girl from the form 4 class asked if I could assign them a bit more homework next class period. I thought I had assigned a hefty chunk. The students do not want to be shorted during their opportunity to learn. Preparing for class has been a fun experience as well. Preparing lessons is fun and challenging. Sometimes it is a struggle to put the time into the lessons the students deserve, but it’s nothing a good cup of chai can’t fix. I can see why some universities give their professors one day of the week to pursue their own studies.
Other than teaching it is more of the same as I stated in the last blog. I have been still helping at CHONESUS. I am currently working on putting together a seminar on “discipleship” for the young men in the group/whoever wants to come. I am looking forward to it; however, I am still working on how I want to present the issue. Yesterday Timm and I had a little time in the afternoon so we went down during ‘School’s lunch break’ (all the school’s take lunch at the same time in Kibera) and played with a bunch of the kids. It had been a little while since we had just played with the kids. It was refreshing. Timm brought the video camera. Man do those little guys love to seem themselves (on the flipped-to-face-them viewing screen) move around! We lost track of time and I was almost late to teach one of my afternoon classes. Sometimes if you are late to class another teacher will steal your class period and just teach their subject (weird culture huh?). I ran and made it just in time for the bell (I guess I am the same guy whether I am a student or the teacher).
Oh, and by the way, the new school is built; it is the fastest construction project I have ever seen in my life. Although, I think it helped that it is made entirely out of scrap wood and corrugated tin. It is completely 'Other' to any construction I have ever seen/been a part of. They just work with what they have, which is virtually nothing. It is a multi-building complex (I wish I could show you a picture or two but I currently lack the technology) that serves the immediate purpose, but I am fairly confident it will only last three or four years (but then again what do I know).
NIGHT:
There really is quite a rift between my days and my nights. Really…I mean my days are full of African culture, Swahili speaking, teaching, walking, bartering for avocadoes, meeting various people, and learning about Africa. The nights, in contrast, are full Concrete-room culture, English speaking, reading, sitting, eating avocadoes, having no interaction, and learning about myself. Last night Timm and I attempted to go out around 7:00pm to watch a futbol game at one of the local joints. After making it to the end of our street, being harassed 95% of the way, and finding out that the game wasn’t actually being shown that night we decided it would be a good idea to head back home; However, we did meet another mzungo (whitey) that lives near us. So last night, Timm, myself, alex (the other whitey), and a couple of our African friends made African food and enjoyed dinner together. The variance in the routine was wonderful.
Lately…I have been thinking about my struggle to love people before they even open their mouths without that love being a shallow love. I spoke about this in my last blog entry. Shortly after posting the blog I received an e mail from my bro offering a suggestion to help me think through this odd dichotomy. He asked me to think about the relationship between unconditional love and anonymity. At first, I couldn’t get much out of it but after spending some healthy concrete-box-time with it…I think there is a relation.
I want to love people before they even open their mouths, but I don’t want to love-shallow. Unconditional love is loving no matter who finds out. It is completely anonymous, and therefore the best love is a love that loves no matter whether the person being loved knows they are being loved by you or not. Love never fails. Love, and trust that it will be the right thing to do, even if the person you are loving does not even know they are being loved. Loving someone is to continue loving them in an intentionally anonymous way. Regardless of them finding out how much you loved them. But love never fails, so don’t not love because they will know it is you…just love and trust that, that is the ticket. It is always done with an anonymous spirit; that is to say, a spirit that is not concerned with the outcome, just the loving. Love won’t fail. Believe that (I tell myself). That love is not a shallow love but a love deeply rooted in God, and it is by loving God with all your mind, body, soul does love for others flow out. Love Christ. Realize when you love God with everything there is no room to lop off a piece of your love for something or someone else. Love God with all of it…then…then my friend your love will be deep and meaningful regardless of whether or not you have any idea of whom you are loving. You could meet someone for the first time and love them unconditionally, and you could have a longstanding relationship with someone and love them unconditionally. The condition does not stand that you will do anything for them, or ‘love’ them directly unconditionally; rather you love God and let that mitigate all the ways in which you love others. Thus your relationships model the tri-force (Zelda reference). The love between you and those in your life is full because you love God with all your being, and then from/through that you love others. It seems the relationships I have with different people are radically different; however, the model of love that I have to love is singular in nature.
It is possible, only because of God, that I can love someone that I hardly know and that love not be shallow. My love is not shallow, even though it is a decision; it is something that has grown in me from God…it is something involved with all aspects of the self. Some of it I am able to articulate and much of it I am not. From a certain angel, the way I love people is the coalescing of my entire Christian life. Inclusive of all my intellectual conjectures, emotional Rolla coasters, spiritual growth, and life-in-community. What matters is how I love the Other. What matters is where, exactly, I stand with Christ as I know him today, this minute. And then that will dictate how I love when faced with the Other. It is because my relationship with Christ/God/Holy Spirit is so unbelievably meaningful (to me) that my love is so meaningful (to me...). Love never fails. I can love someone for the first time. I can ‘decide’ to love them without even knowing them and it is not shallow. It gains its depth from my journey into the interior of my Christianity. The further that journey goes the deeper/more meaningful/able my love becomes. A women loving a baby is not an exhibit of shallow love, even though the baby might still be in the womb thus making it impossible for her to have even met the baby (sort of...). Mothers are insanely in love with their kids (right mom). Whether she acknowledges it or not God is the reason for that love because God is the one that taught her the meaning of love. She is in love with that baby because she is in love with God in a way she doesn’t really know…I think it is some sort of anonymous love of God?. It is like…her love for that baby is meaningful because of God…because God is love, and if God is love than where ever love is, there is God as well. When she is loving her baby, it is completely meaningful because of God whether she knows it or admits it. It seams like so much flows from love/God.
I don’t think Christianity is a provable theory; it is metaphysical. Christianity cannot be proved anymore than any other transcendent concept, but if you believe in love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, joy, goodness, faithfulness, self-control, the building up of others, encouraging, helping, gaining character, treating others as beautifully perfect, sacrifice, being passionate…if you value these things…than I think Christianity is the best route to take. I felt an inclination to these things and they opened the road to see God, and the more I got into it, the more I learned, the more I realized that God is so perfect. The more I realized that Christianity was by far the best way to live my life… if I wanted to live like this. In the end it was just living the Christian life that somehow made me fall in love with God. In the end it is so simple: just love God. It is almost ridiculous, but, as Einstein said, “ things should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.” The journey toward God (which I am just now beginning), toward unconditional love, is hairy, complicated; it is a thrilling self-propelled ride. It takes dedication, thought, sacrifice, and so much more, most of which I am not aware of, …but in the end…love God. Simple.

So, I guess that is what I have been thinking about lately. I think it is funny how I start out with these depressing predicaments in my writing/thinking and they all end up being mini-redemption stories. It seems they always end pointing to God; full of grace and love. I guess they end that way because I am a Christian and I can't be sinnicle all the time. I am critical of the problems and then let it go for God to redeem. Man it is sick (with a 'ph') being on the same side as God.

welp. I suppose I will leave you all with those thoughts and struggles. If you guys could pray for a couple things I would ask that you would pray for:

figuring out a good way to present "discipleship".

That I would fricken be able to sleep at night. I have been doin better, but I did not sleep at all last night. (When I say that things have been quiet lately, I mean for me, African's are the loudest people in I have ever come across). I think I haven't been able to sleep b/c my mind won't chill about so much, and...the slum is super loud...all night.

that I would be in the present. Whenever I am in a routine I immediately start thinking about what I will do next. I need to forget about my time this spring/summer and just think about now.

that I would not get too stir crazy at night...i'm freakin' out a little...(it's pretty funny, if you want a laugh you could ask Timm about it someday)


Alright. Peace dawgs.

L dizzle and the middle Gould: Remember that time we took that road trip to Chicago for Becky's wedding...Remember how we had to drive in a big circle just to get on the I-76 from Thornton...what were we thinking? Oh, and then, on the way back how Madaylyn had to pee so bad that she said that the sound of Kate's voice made her half to pee even more...Gosh, that was fricken halarious.

Kelly: I have been thinking about what you said about God's love being expensive, and I couldn't agree more. When we love it is the out-pouring of our entire Christian life. It's like all our time going through the Bible, talking about what we think about life, disciplining ourselves, praying...all for the sake of love; of loving. On another note, I heard you might be moving to San. Fran,...truth? Thank you for your kind words, I don't take them lightly; I look foward to some walks around Golden this spring (if your around).

Paul: I love you so fricken much. How could I forget? Remember that ride out west (i think it was the beg. of your sophmore year) I was still in high school, and I was driving out with you and then going to fly home. I do. I remember on that trip you told me that you thought I had changed and that, basically, I was stomach'able. That motivated me so much to fight for the inner life. I remember that moment with pointiant accuracy; it was, i think, the first landmark in my journey.

Mgraine: I read the poem aloud (in a quiet voice, in the internet cafe) to myself. I then read your comment. I then burst into tears. I don't think you know how much your words encourage me to fight to actually be honest.

J$: the Trifecta...mmm...The only thing I know about Malaysia, besides being able to point to it on a map, is that my tennis raquet was made there. I spent many hours standing on a tennis court at Beachwood staring at the little sticker "made in Malaysia" on the butt-end of my tennis raquet. I am excited to hear of your developing thoughts on love. It is so fricken cool that you are allowing those things to transform you. I look foward, immensly, to the oatmeal and decaf.

Kaettie: Thanks for the words. Thank you for being excited that I am here, it is sweet to hear that you are in support of me in that way. I hope that times in Golden (and it's close surrounding cities) are bumpin' the community. Oh, and I concur - South America is heaven.

Deja: Have you ever seen the movie 'waking life'? It is sorta a classic in my book. It is like a cartoon/moving-characatuer-drawing type animation. In one of the conversations, that the movie drops you in on, there is an old italian (he might not be italian) philosopher having a discussion about 'the holy moment'. The quote you shot me reminds me of that scene. I have tried to have 'holy moments', in a real way, and in a fun way - either way I think it is fun concept. If you haven't seen the flick, check it out. Even if you don't like it, it will be an interesting film to think about. Also, I learned how to make chappatti's last night. They are amazing. As far as spices go, I will have to get back to you, I need to check. Too, nice save with the cake, sounds sweet (there's a double meaning there...ha...), I will have to see pictures when I return.

Lo: I can picture you. Perfectly. Sitting at a computer in the library hurrying before that stupid timer kicks you off, teli-ski'n the freshies with that ear to ear grin, akin to the grin of the grinch who stole Christmas, plastered on your face. I can picture you living huge, and loving every second of it. Lo, it blows me away that you would be surprised at the way I love you. You are seriously one of the easiest people in the world to love. Your world is chill and full of laid-back love. Your character and lust for life is contagious. The way I saw you love was: direct. I find that sometimes I it is hard for me to say how so and so loves, because it is honestly just hard to see; but, not you, your love is evident. All the fricken time. I miss you like hell man. I can't wait to sample the world of Loren, and the world of 1203 soon.

booshortyboboos: Those pictures are fricken sweet. You guys went over to Parker's house? Oh, man, I wonder how that cat is doing. Is he not one of the sweetest kids ever? Oh, sorry about the cell phone thing...It wasn't actually my phone # that I gave to my parents, it was one that i had access to for that time period. I would have loved to hear from you. I hope that stuff is rockin for you in outskirts of chi-town. Are you excited about Laurel moving back to chi-town (even if its for a short time)? You guys have soo much fun together. I hope my house was suitable for all your partying with Laurel on New Years. I have spent many, many new years down there. Welp, catch you later friend. Oh, by the by, I think you owe me a mix cd...

Dina: Well it seems like the majority of my memories come from those unplanned things. I think I am stuck on the 'Strengh' one, of the nine requisites. I don't think I fully get the concept of forsaking my difficulties. I am going to have to think about that one some more. Afor-ee-sto for your prayers, they are much needed.

Big J and the oel's: FRick! I love fricken hear from you so fricken much, you frick. The monatarily focused can be an intensely difficult crew to love. dude, i'm sorry that the jackson chill vibe is void, minus the huge chunck of chill-goodness that you bring with you where-ever you go. Listening to your words is so encouraging for the future. I think the other day I was feeling sad about the state of things in my life, and when I come back to the states what I am coming back to. And, I know that you are in Jackson, but your words make me look foward to coming back to Golden - where so much of your influence still resides, and coming and chilling with you in jackson. Hearing the way you speak about life gives me hope that there are more people with that amazing uninhibited lifestyle, in nooks and crannies around the world. As i live my life over here attempting to love, it is so good to hear I have a friend attempting to love in Jackson. We are faced with the exact same thing, just in different places. Man, I feel like we are travelling partners on the same journey, and, to be honest, most of the time we are hitch-hiking. I love you, skate ski your heart out.

Steph: Lady, step inside my Hundiii. There is no better tune. Fear not, I took the time to actually sing through a good portion of that song under my breathe in the internet cafe. I, for sure, got a wierd look from the korean dude next to me...but then again, he was playing some inter-galactic shoot-em up game with his, paid for, interenet time. I hope all is well with you in the dale of glen. take care.

Hahn and the monster therein: oy nam, ti si nekcirf teews ot raeh morf uoy. I tnac eveileb ereht tnangerp! I evah ooos hcum evol rof uoy. I tnac tiaw ot klat ot uoy ni lluf liated tuoba ruoy efil. oh, and the 'santa's little work shop' comment is still one of the funniest things i have ever heard in my entire life, without exaggeration.