notes from Africa, chapter 8

The swahili saying goes:
haraka, haraka, haina baraka [hurry, hurry, there is no blessing]
It is so good to have a chance to write to you again. It has been awhile.

I was mailed a book.
It is so funny that things from the states are being so seemlessly integrated into my life here.
I recently read the book. It's called: Things Fall Apart. The story is a simple account of a few Ibo people confronted with a white man's world. I had trouble with it. I did not like the premise that this story was not, in fact, written to appease my sense of story; rather, this story was written to give an account, and at the end of it observe that, yes, sometimes things fall apart.

The book through me for a loop in a few different places. The book has been an accurate microcosm of many of the desperate situations I have seen here, as well as a picture of my own time in Africa. Who remembers me before I left? Remember how I talked about going to Sudan, assesing the need there and seeing how I fit into that puzzle. Well, apparently, for the time being, I don't. The plan to go to Sudan did not happen, and with it the most tangible reason to go to Africa. Things fall apart. However, there was a motivation for coming to Africa, which in all honesty, was/is my dream. To learn and to help. These are the things that have goverened the decision making of this trip thus far.
It is unimaginable how many things Timm and I planned that have not come to fruition. Literally, nothing, in the world of places and times, has come to be in the way we planned.
Where I am now...
I have just rented a small concrete box to live in, in the most densly populated slum in the world: Kibera. I am teaching Christian Religious Education and Geography. I like my students, they are pretty dope. They are between 15 and 22 years old; we have a good time together. I know in my last blog I stated that I would be teaching Biology...oh, what a surprise something did not go as planned. Anyway, I am loving my students. I feel very at home in the classroom. There are four Forms (as they call them) in the secondary school. I teach classes in Forms 2,3, and 4. I will also teach Form 1 when the Form 1'ers start school on the 31st. The form 2 classes are basically Bible courses (I am currently taking them through the major prophets), Form 4 is basically an applied Christian Ethics course (lot's of fun), and Form 3 is something in between.
Other than teaching I have been busy working with CHONESUS, that support group that works with the kids and HIV victims of Kibera, and helping on the construction project for the new school compound that is being built (in Kibera). I think no matter where I go in my life contruction always seems to follow.

I am finding the chronology of this blog impossible to write because of how varied the recent times have been. I thought about trying to post a succint chronology of where I have been sleeping/living recently, but I confuse even myself with it so I will spare you. One thing however that is noteworthy to mention is Timm and I's reservation where we were supposed to stay was given away over Christmas. When we got back to Nairobi we had nowhere to stay (again). We ended up sleeping a number places over the week or two of mucking-muck (mission base outside nairobi, guesthouse, guesthouse owner's kid's bedroom, our tent, kijabe [45minutes outside of nairobi]). At the end of the two weeks we some how ended up renting a place actually in Kibera for the month. Despite the location of our place it is a fortress. It is literally one entirely concrete room, with a thick steel door. It is actually pretty halarious. Timm and I get there everyday before dark, lock ourselves away and proceed to be bizzaro inmates, where the bad force the good to stay locked-up.

Getting back to Things Fall Part...

The book was difficult for me because I hate the idea of things just falling apart or fading into the void of not-so-important history. Everything around me is falling apart. There is a horendous drought here in Kenya right now that will end up killing many, every tangible thing I have planned on this trip has gone a-rye, and the story of so many of the people I am dealing with will just fall apart. It hurts, but in the face of all the pain I am encouraged. I am encouraged because of the very basic beating heart of the Christian message: life eternal (and not in a 'life will be better someday' sorta way, but accepting the amazing, organic reality of it now). In the face of all that is around me I am pointed 100% in the direction of God. I struggle with the suffering and depravity of this place every day, and now that I live among it there is no escape (except when I walk 45 minutes or so to get to the internet cafe...). I am reluctant to share some of the things I have seen here, but I will share one now. When I was visiting HIV victims before Christmas I walked down a particular corridor and saw a small child peeing on another child, I continued ahead only to see a little girl backed up against a fence playing with what I thought was a water balloon in her mouth. A second later I realized that the water balloon was actually a condom.
These things I have seen, and continue to see are wretched. The poverty is unacceptible. Yesterday Timm and I were walking to fetch some water and thier was a dead baby in a plastic bag on the side of the road.
I came to Africa (in part) to face my existing problem with poverty. I am/have been facing it. As I face these things, as I confront thier reality and reflect on them, I am forced to turn my focus to the Christian message. It is only when I confuse myself with complicated constructions atop a simple idea that I am completely disenchanted with Christianity. How we confuse ourselves with evil is akin to the way most metaphysics confuse philosophy. Ludwig Wittgenstein said, "Philosophy is not one of the natural sciences...the object of philosophy is not a theory but an activity...the result of philosophy is not a number of ‘philosophical propositions’, but to make propositions clear. Philosophy should make clear and delimit sharply the thoughts which otherwise are, as it were, opaque and blurred ". When I forget that Christianity is an activity and a journey, when I confuse myself into thinking that God is accountable to me, and, most of all, when I forget that Christianity, in its most basic form, conquers death... then I begin to be confounded with the false dicotomy that a good God could not co-exist with a fucked up world (sorry for cussing mom).

To explain this more I would like to share a bit of raw material from my journal. I hope you all can track with it. It is some of my current thoughts, if you don't exactly follow it thats okay...its a journal entry.

:

Well I am not sure if religion as madness is a madness springing from irreligiousness. I mean I think it does...but, what I am sure of is religious sensibility is a conundrum wrapped up in an enigma with a Chinese dipping sauce. Honestly, religion...it is difficult, there is no question. As I struggle with many struggles in Africa, I realize how inclined I am to love only that which is easy for me to love. People, ideas, things, whatever. There is so much I cannot handle. I hate being around people that I cannot stand because it is so hard to be Christ-like around them. Anyone can love those that they enjoy, to love the people you cannot stand is the test. To be open to the crap around me is the test. If I am truly attempting to do what I say I am doing: loving, helping, whatever then I must allow the horrible situations grow me. I must face them.
Okay. So. This is why religion is hard. It forces you to be who you want to be. What it is inside me that cry’s out to be truthful. Religion is not some abstract set of rules or an ethical code of conduct. Religion is not a day job. It is not outside of me. It courses through my blood; I am infused with it. There is something inside me that wants to be sooo meaningful to the world, to those in my sphere, to me... I just want to live meaningfully, and that has got to come from within. It has to come from somewhere in my creation. I am the image of God. The implications of that fact are tremendous. If it is true that God is what instantiates meaning into everything then is it not so with me? I am created by God. His participation in my life is what gives my life meaning; I think in a platonic sort of way... It is an ontology of participation no question. What remains is me, God, and God participating in me. If I think then that religion is the way to live the enlightened, or the meaningful, life, and I think that God participates in my life (giving it meaning) by creating/ed me in his image; then...the only way to live meaningfully is to live an introspective life. The more I live as I was created to live the more meaning there is?...? The more I live like that once perfect Image the more I live with meaning, and therefore the more I live. So, I guess, basically, I think my point is the more I live the “inward life” the more I live.

I mean if ya think about it I need situations that make me desperate. Without those situations, without the people in my life I just cant stand, without struggle how would I ever build character. I cannot dismiss or attempt to ‘explain away’ the experiences I am having.

Accepting God and loving the people of this world can be shown in how I love a single person. I miss the point when I dismiss people I can’t stand. That is what I do I just dismiss them. I dismiss who they are to me, and then if they do something that I like, something that surprises me and adds depth to the picture I have of them then I become engaged with that one thing about them. How can I love them more holistically? How? I need to love them, not the things they do. Okay, so explain that without being cliché wasted. To love them is...it is...unconditional; yeah it isn’t something you do b/c of something the person does or is to you. I need to love before they even open their mouth...but that makes my love awfully shallow, doesn’t it? Can love be meaningful without sacrifice? If you love something about someone than that is what you love...not them. Right? Love must be a decision?? What, huh? What’s the point in decision-making? No one makes movies about the romance of decision making... They make movies about the romance of friendships, family, lovers, music, skills, etc. things that are motivated by love of something and the devotion that follows. There is something important about that. You decide to love and let that grow. Grow. Without those people you cannot grow. If life were easy there would be no growth, you see that is how it is designed. Funny huh? Murder, disease, horrible horrible things...they are results of sin, but vehicles of growth. Without the shit growth is not possible. The point of the Christian message is that the world does not end here. There is life after death. Death is the beginning, grow here and then we will see after. There is life after death! Life eternal is possible. This thought, this message, this reason for Christ to die is revolutionary; it is because it means that all the shit that is life, there is a reason for it. As Christ/'image of God' is seen as reality...you grow. The shit is what makes you grow. Why evil? Growth. Easy. Why growth. Because life eternal. Our time here is temporary, are we not visitors…or something sci/fi like that? I need pain for purpose.

:

welp, that was pretty raw, but it is me, and I hope it can work to explain some of how I am growing surrounded by refuse and pain. It is God/Love/Gospel that is the only hope for me, and the only hope for Africa.

much love.
phil.

Cousion Tommy: I am glad that you are following my progress. It is good to hear from you. I am sad to miss the annual renunion, but I heard it was a good time. Did Tanoose come? I heard that him and Fada had an epic battle where someone's hand got blown off by a fire-cracker?? anyway, I hope all is well with you and your family. Take care.

Brada: The words you have posted on this past blog have made me grateful for you. Dad always sits in that chair with the reheated...you name it. It excites me tremendously to talk with you about what you have seen upon my return. I think that talking about that alone is enough to bring me back to Colorado. Also, thanks again for the BAM link. It is super random, but useful.

Shannon: Thank you for the encouraging words. I am grateful for your prayers and in need of them. When you are thinking of me please pray that I would be able to sleep at night. For once in my life I am having trouble sleeping, which is a problem because of the amount of work I need to do now. I hope that the kids are well. much love.

Deja: It is so fun to hear of your experience at that seemingly halarious resturant. We will have to go there upon my return and find out how close it actually is to the real thing. It makes me laugh to think about it, and grateful that I have a friend that would care to experience my life here in a small way back home. Thank you. I can assure you that my cusuine here is nowhere near as elegant as the one you speak of. I now eat most of my meals in the slums (pray that I don't get sick). They mostly consist of beef(or some type of meat) stew, rice, chapatti, kenyan chai, or possibly just a bowl of beans; and whenver I eat on my own...it's avocados no question. In other news, How was the wedding!? Is dave really married?! Hope all is well.

The Jig: thanks for not fricking a fricka. That would be bad both coming and going. Anyway, it is phenomenal (dave anderson voice) to hear from you, be encouraged by you, and learn about what you are currently doing. I am glad that you dressed up like a lampost. And as far as peacen' out with Quinn goes...Sounds amazing. I am anxious to hear more about it. What do you want to see and do in Europe? What is your overriding desire concerning the trip? feel free to shoot me an email about it. How are classes going? Are you still heading down the nursing path or is God leading you else where? Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers. much love bro.

Luap the Geias: It makes me think that my time is a piece of wax thats fallin on a termite that chokin on a slpinter.

Nathan: My dear friend, it is great to hear of from you, and your time in Japan. I think of you and mandy often. It excites me to hear that you may go to Garret. A lot of my thought here has been devoted to seeing the relevancy of the Christian Gospel in such a place as this, and in that I have been more convinced of the 'radical' nature of the Christian message. I am also anxious to hear how you recieve Smith's (your former prof's) account of RO, and his Reformed reforms. Are you doing the recommended readings with each chapter? Have you read the Divine Economy? When are you and Mandy coming back from Japan? Thank you for your prayers, I truly do need God to strenghten me. Well, I hope that all is well with you guys. much love.

Jared H: where the frick are you going to college? Are you playing any spring league soccer? oh, and don't worry despite the fact that there is a lot of "bitches that can't hang with the streets" Timm and I are keep'n it real. we ain't got no choice.

Kate: Yo. Word on the mich. (pronouced mike) is that you are peacen' on a road trip to chi-town with L dawg. Sounds sweet, I hope you guys have a blast together. You are right, Febtober is coming soon. I think I will be back somewhere in there, or at least just after. I miss you as well, and look foward to hangin' out w/ you and J dawg upon my return.

L to the aurel: Damn you and all your cleverness.

Joel (pronounced hoel): shit!! it's fricken sweet to hear from you. That is dope that the crew is up there. Did you get my letter/s. I hope so. Things are rockin' over on this side, and they sound like they are chill in jackson. Man, I feel like Jackson has its own sorta 'chill' about it that is different than Golden chill, but all-together good in a Jackson way. I hope that your stories and dreams are growing like your chia-pet. I miss you tons. Is time growing you in solitude? I hope that your images are as vivid as girls on hands and knees that throw thier hair before them over thier heads to dry in the sun. I wonder in what way you are letting that bright light that drank you swallow you. man, i love you.

Semper Oblivio: you know what they say...kidogog kidogo unalalaje kibokoini.

Paul: How do you know these things??? How did you even know what language that was? Frick.

Scotland: I wish I needed a word verification to post my comments, but since I don't I will just say: bilkyyklib. it's the best I can do. Thanks for the article. I have read many similar articles in the paper here. The situation is dire; however, it rained two nights ago, and it is currently raining. Pray that in continues. I hope that life is treating you kindly, or, more importantly, that you are treating life kindly. I think about you often, and look foward to our reniuon upon my return. What do you say we hit up Kincardin this year? you know, for tradition's sake. I love you.